I was having a good day today. I haven’t had a lot of really good days lately. I’ve been struggling a lot with depression, which is pretty normal for me this time of year. I desperately need sunshine to survive. I am longing for the beach and the smell of the ocean and I desperately crave the warmth of sun on my face. But the combination of the weather and sick kids has not allowed me such leisure and it has taken it’s toll.
But this morning I had a doctor’s appointment, which isn’t fun, but it was my annual gyn check up with my midwife, and it was great to get to visit with her. She delivered four of my kids, and is someone with whom I have a special bond. Those of you with midwives instead of drs probably know what I mean. Anyway, after my appt I went to the bookstore to get a gift for a wedding shower and then to Lowe’s to get some paint samples, and bookstores and Lowe’s always make me happy. So I came home feeling refreshed and geared up to clean house.
Then I sat down and checked phone messages and email. I had an email from a friend who I have been concerned about. It is someone with whom I have had a discipleship relationship for a long time, and I had emailed her that I was concerned because she hasn’t been to church in weeks and I feared that I was seeing some old patterns developing. It always seems that no matter what I say, she misunderstands. I don’t ordinarily consider myself to be poor communicator, but with her I feel like a failure. I think it was one of the most hurtful emails I have ever received. For a long time, I was very guarded in this relationship, expecting to get hurt, expecting to be let down. So when it happened, I was ready. As this friend has matured in the Lord, I have let my guard down more and more. Even though this time I was sort of expecting it, I really wasn’t ready for it.
So much for getting housework done. All I’ve done this afternoon is cry.
But it has made me think about how God must feel when we sin. We let him down over and over. We hurt him again and again. And He is always patient with us. And He is never wrong. But we still rebel against Him and complain and argue. How it must break His heart. And I think about the verses in the Bible which allude to the greater accountability to which God holds teachers and leaders. As we mature, he expects more from us, and though He is still not surprised by our sin, it must hurt Him that much more. I am so glad that He doesn’t tire with me the way I do other people. What a blessed thing to have a God who never changes, always loves, always forgives.