Some Journey

Noah

Noah is my baby. Well, he's two and a half, but he's my baby. It's amusing to me that I can even say that, because it has always been a major pet peeve of mine when people call their children "baby" past the ripe old age of one. And frankly, for me, I never really had the opportunity to do so with the other kids. With my other four children, by the time they hit the ripe old age of one, there was another baby on the way. So, by default, they were no longer "the baby". But now, 2 years post-vasectomy, Stephen and I both have a very real sense of the fact that we no longer have (for the first time in nine years) a baby in the house, and it's sort of sad. I enjoy babies. Now there is a time between 12 and 18 months where they seem to hit this "I know what I want but don't have the vocabulary to communicate it" slump that isn't always fun. We overcame that a bit with sign language, but truthfully, not all kids take to it the way some do, and you just have to grit your teeth and get through it. But sometime between 2 and 2 1/2 they start to communicate better and get frustrated less and they just get really darn cute. Somehow even the most mundane things sound so adorable out of the mouth of a toddler. And Noah is remarkably good at hamming it up, too. I find more and more lately that I am reluctant to put him to bed at night, for want of prolonging his toddlerhood in some way. He often finds his way to my bed and falls asleep while we're doing family devotions in the evening, and I love to take the time just to watch him sleep. I will miss those squishy little toddler hands when we no longer have them around. They grow up and get calloused from monkey bars and life, and they lose that carrot shape they have about the fingers. His little eyes have the perfect shape and the depth of their blue is magical. His cheeks are so soft and round when I kiss them. It takes almost his whole arm span to reach around my neck, and it just feels so good.
I think one of the most frustrating things about having a large family is feeling like I am often so tired and busy from trying to be five people at once that I forget to appreciate my kids for just being kids. I feel a constant tension between looking forward to watching my kids grow up, and not wanting them to change. I feel overwhelmed with the responsibility of trying to raise five children, and lose the sense of wonder of having five children. I want to get all the things done that need to be done, but I also don't want to miss their childhood because of my business. I don't want to wake up one morning and realize that they all have grown and I was too busy or tired to notice.
In the meantime, I'm trying to take every opportunity to kiss each of those carrot shaped little fingers while they're still chubby.